Finding the perfect environment to leave your child is step one. It's reassuring to remind yourself during the day that your child is in a good place, looked after, and cared for. But sometimes, only you will do. My daughter has been in a wonderful home daycare for five months, but it doesn't make it any easier. Lily is now going through the phase, at least I hope it's a phase, of 'I only want Mommy.' Now when I leave her at daycare, I have to distract her with toys or food. Her sitter tries to console me by telling that she only cries for a few minutes after I leave and then is fine, and I totally believe that.
But it's not just there. She has even started crying and reaching for me when I leave her playing in the living room floor only to go a few feet away (where she cannot see me) to the kitchen. She scrambles to crawl up my neck and clings to my shirt not only when strangers start to talk to her, but even when my mom or dad first show up. Does she really think I'm going to leave her all the time?
Of course, none of this makes me feel any better. I mean, it is sweet to think that she only wants me, that maybe she loves mommy that much that no one else will do. But at the same time, I wonder, has becoming a working mom made my daughter have separation anxiety?
I would have thought yes (and a part of me still feels that is a little to blame) if I did not see other children whose mothers stay home with them do the same thing. That brings me to the other part they don't tell you about being a working mom, the Guilt.
You have to work. If you could remain sane and financially sound by staying with the child 24/7, you would, but you can't and no reminding of that makes the guilt any less. My mom was a working mom, and I attended both home and large daycares and turned out fine, so the guilt of feeling I am doing some kind of damage to my child is not there. Yet accompanying the guilt is a tang of resentment too. I'm sure all working moms struggle with this, although I'm not sure everyone's resentment is exactly the same. Being a teacher, I'm so happy I get summers and holidays off to be with my child. Albeit I was about to go crazy for many different reasons, I did appreciate the ten days I got to be at home with my family during the recent snow storm. But as a teacher, my resentment encompasses many things and hits me at different times. Like dealing with a classroom full of narcissistic, egoistical middle schoolers stirs up some resentment: “I stuck here with you who doesn't even care about the sacrifices I'm making for my family to help you remember what a stinking verb is! And you won't even try to take notes or listen to me!” or “I am making a hard sacrifice helping your child and you are blaming ME for their poor grades!” or “I am having to technically work overtime when I'm not getting paid for it and when I should and could be home with my baby! And for what? Test scores!”
See? I'm sure you hear the resentment in my voice now. This, as I said, hasn't subsided and maybe it never will. Some days are worse than others. But in the end, when only I will do for Lily, sometimes, only she will do for me.
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